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THIS WOMAN WILL CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT FEAR
What is strength? We’re exploring the concept all month long by talking to strong women who inspire us. From budding artists to retirees, these women couldn’t be more different on paper, but they all have one thing in common: Somewhere along their journey, they’ve discovered that real strength can only come from within.
We usually subscribe to that whole “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” thing, but we made an exception when we saw Meera Lee Patel’s My Friend Fear. For starters, the artwork—watercolors by Patel herself—is utterly gorgeous. And then there’s the title. To take a feeling most of us want to run away from as quickly as possible and be brave enough to turn it into a friend? That, to us, is the epitome of strength.
The book itself—which we devoured in one sitting—is like nothing we’ve ever read. Part memoir, part doodle-pad, part profound inspiration, it defies categorization into any single genre. Patel has created something wholly her own, and we couldn’t wait to talk to her about it. Read on for a glimpse into our conversation with her, where she talks about her lifelong journey with fear, why it’s important to treat fear like a relationship, and why fear is actually a good thing. (And psst: read all the way to the end for a chance to win your own copy of this incredible book!)
B3 MAGAZINE: You seem to have such a healthy approach to fear. Can you talk about how you arrived at this place?
PATEL: It’s a lifelong journey, honestly. People see my book and say, “you must have a great handle on fear,” and I have to explain that it’s taken me 30 years to get here—and it’s something I still have to work on. Making peace with your fear is not a destination, it’s a practice.
B3 MAGAZINE: Can you give an example of how you practice embracing fear?
PATEL: Every day I have to work on implementing the research I’ve learned. For example, how we react to a certain emotion is 90% habit. As you train yourself to react differently, it becomes your new habit. The footprint is there, and you can step into it more easily each time you practice it.
For me, it was important to change how I reacted to fear. For so many years, I let it dictate my life. One day in 2015, I had just had enough. There were so many things I wanted to do, and fear was stopping me from doing them. I thought to myself, “I can change now, or I can live the rest of my life in fear.” So I created a new rule for myself that I practice every day: I can only say no to something if I actually don’t want to do it. I’ve always been such a safe, reserved person, and my first inclination is to say no to anything that’s even remotely scary. Maybe I’m afraid it will be a lot of work, or I’ll be bad at it, or people will judge me. By saying no, I’m staying safe. But with this new rule, I have to say yes if I want to do it—even if I’m scared.
B3 MAGAZINE: Does it work?
PATEL: Yes! My new rule opened up a whole new life for me. I went to Thailand, I wore a bathing suit in public (something I had always been terrified to do), I left my full-time job, I left NYC, I traveled alone for seven months, I moved to a new city after a lifetime of living on the east coast.
B3 MAGAZINE: If things hadn’t turned out so well, do you think you’d still be practicing this?
PATEL: More than anything, embracing fear has showed me that even if things turn out awful, I have the strength to change my situation. When you’re operating under fear, every action seems like the end-all-be-all. Now that I’m not letting it rule me, I have more trust and strength. It’s so freeing.
B3 MAGAZINE: I think the most radical thing in your book is your advice to become friends with fear.
PATEL: Your relationship with fear is just like any other relationship. It’s a two-way street. Just as you would with a friend, you must look at fear, listen to it, figure out where it’s coming from. It’s not always easy, but it can change everything. One of my biggest lessons is about my fear of wearing a swimsuit because I have a large scar. I had morphed that fear into believing that other people would judge me, but when I really listened to the fear, I saw that it was telling me I felt ashamed of my body. Every time I stepped in front of someone else while I was wearing a swimsuit, I realized they accepted me. When you listen to fear, you’re listening to yourself. You’re learning to be more patient with yourself, and giving yourself room to understand it’s a process, a practice.
B3 MAGAZINE: I love your idea that fear is here to help you uncover your greatest wish. It helps the emotion seem so much less threatening.
PATEL: It’s really incredible how we tell ourselves we aren’t meant for certain things because we’re afraid. Often times, fear is really telling us what we want most. It’s easy to say, “no, i’m not going to meet that person for coffee because it’s probably not going to work out,” or “no, I’m not going to go for that job because I’m not the right fit.” What we really mean when we say those things is, “I wish I were meant for that.” Or, “this opportunity is really important to me.” If you listen to your fear, you’ll often find that you actually want these things, but saying yes to them puts you in a vulnerable position. We say no to opportunities so we can protect ourselves from disappointment or rejection — but we also miss out on a chance to change our entire worlds.
The key is recognizing how your mind works, how it will always rationalize fears, and how you’re protecting yourself because you don’t want to get hurt. You’ll never have the amazing things you imagined if you don’t step into your vulnerability.
B3 MAGAZINE: I love how you’ve intertwined words and imagery to tell your story. How did this come about?
PATEL: I knew from the beginning that I wanted to have illustrations embedded with the words. I wanted the book to feel intimate, like a diary. Fear is such a heavy, scary topic. Most of us would rather not approach it at all. I wanted people to feel like I was holding them by the hand, saying, “we’re all governed by fear, including me. I’m with you.”
We’re giving away five copies of My Friend Fear! Comment below for a chance to win one.
What is strength? We’re exploring the concept all month long by talking to strong women who inspire us. From budding artists to retirees, these women couldn’t be more different on paper, but they all have one thing in common: Somewhere along their journey, they’ve discovered that real strength can only come from within.
We usually subscribe to that whole “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” thing, but we made an exception when we saw Meera Lee Patel’s My Friend Fear. For starters, the artwork—watercolors by Patel herself—is utterly gorgeous. And then there’s the title. To take a feeling most of us want to run away from as quickly as possible and be brave enough to turn it into a friend? That, to us, is the epitome of strength.
The book itself—which we devoured in one sitting—is like nothing we’ve ever read. Part memoir, part doodle-pad, part profound inspiration, it defies categorization into any single genre. Patel has created something wholly her own, and we couldn’t wait to talk to her about it. Read on for a glimpse into our conversation with her, where she talks about her lifelong journey with fear, why it’s important to treat fear like a relationship, and why fear is actually a good thing. (And psst: read all the way to the end for a chance to win your own copy of this incredible book!)
B3 MAGAZINE: You seem to have such a healthy approach to fear. Can you talk about how you arrived at this place?
PATEL: It’s a lifelong journey, honestly. People see my book and say, “you must have a great handle on fear,” and I have to explain that it’s taken me 30 years to get here—and it’s something I still have to work on. Making peace with your fear is not a destination, it’s a practice.
B3 MAGAZINE: Can you give an example of how you practice embracing fear?
PATEL: Every day I have to work on implementing the research I’ve learned. For example, how we react to a certain emotion is 90% habit. As you train yourself to react differently, it becomes your new habit. The footprint is there, and you can step into it more easily each time you practice it.
For me, it was important to change how I reacted to fear. For so many years, I let it dictate my life. One day in 2015, I had just had enough. There were so many things I wanted to do, and fear was stopping me from doing them. I thought to myself, “I can change now, or I can live the rest of my life in fear.” So I created a new rule for myself that I practice every day: I can only say no to something if I actually don’t want to do it. I’ve always been such a safe, reserved person, and my first inclination is to say no to anything that’s even remotely scary. Maybe I’m afraid it will be a lot of work, or I’ll be bad at it, or people will judge me. By saying no, I’m staying safe. But with this new rule, I have to say yes if I want to do it—even if I’m scared.
B3 MAGAZINE: Does it work?
PATEL: Yes! My new rule opened up a whole new life for me. I went to Thailand, I wore a bathing suit in public (something I had always been terrified to do), I left my full-time job, I left NYC, I traveled alone for seven months, I moved to a new city after a lifetime of living on the east coast.
B3 MAGAZINE: If things hadn’t turned out so well, do you think you’d still be practicing this?
PATEL: More than anything, embracing fear has showed me that even if things turn out awful, I have the strength to change my situation. When you’re operating under fear, every action seems like the end-all-be-all. Now that I’m not letting it rule me, I have more trust and strength. It’s so freeing.
B3 MAGAZINE: I think the most radical thing in your book is your advice to become friends with fear.
PATEL: Your relationship with fear is just like any other relationship. It’s a two-way street. Just as you would with a friend, you must look at fear, listen to it, figure out where it’s coming from. It’s not always easy, but it can change everything. One of my biggest lessons is about my fear of wearing a swimsuit because I have a large scar. I had morphed that fear into believing that other people would judge me, but when I really listened to the fear, I saw that it was telling me I felt ashamed of my body. Every time I stepped in front of someone else while I was wearing a swimsuit, I realized they accepted me. When you listen to fear, you’re listening to yourself. You’re learning to be more patient with yourself, and giving yourself room to understand it’s a process, a practice.
B3 MAGAZINE: I love your idea that fear is here to help you uncover your greatest wish. It helps the emotion seem so much less threatening.
PATEL: It’s really incredible how we tell ourselves we aren’t meant for certain things because we’re afraid. Often times, fear is really telling us what we want most. It’s easy to say, “no, i’m not going to meet that person for coffee because it’s probably not going to work out,” or “no, I’m not going to go for that job because I’m not the right fit.” What we really mean when we say those things is, “I wish I were meant for that.” Or, “this opportunity is really important to me.” If you listen to your fear, you’ll often find that you actually want these things, but saying yes to them puts you in a vulnerable position. We say no to opportunities so we can protect ourselves from disappointment or rejection — but we also miss out on a chance to change our entire worlds.
The key is recognizing how your mind works, how it will always rationalize fears, and how you’re protecting yourself because you don’t want to get hurt. You’ll never have the amazing things you imagined if you don’t step into your vulnerability.
B3 MAGAZINE: I love how you’ve intertwined words and imagery to tell your story. How did this come about?
PATEL: I knew from the beginning that I wanted to have illustrations embedded with the words. I wanted the book to feel intimate, like a diary. Fear is such a heavy, scary topic. Most of us would rather not approach it at all. I wanted people to feel like I was holding them by the hand, saying, “we’re all governed by fear, including me. I’m with you.”
We’re giving away five copies of My Friend Fear! Comment below for a chance to win one.
