Connect
THIS MINDFULNESS TOOL CAN TRANSFORM YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Last year, mindfulness expert Kristin Fritz shared her STOP tool with us, showing us how walking yourself through four simple steps can help you navigate your conflicts and challenges internally.
Today, she’s back to teach us about LOVE, her tool to help us bring that same level of mindfulness to our interactions with others—and how doing so can transform our relationships.
Have you ever noticed how it’s easy to act loving toward someone when you feel loving—but not so easy when you (or the other person) just isn’t feeling the love? Whether you’re talking with your spouse, kids, colleagues, or someone you just met, sometimes you’re more aware of disconnection than connection.
As social beings, we don’t just enjoy connection—we need it. According to Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, author of BodyWise, the impact of robust social connection is far more powerful than any other health behavior, including nutrition and not smoking.
The good news: You can transform those moments of conflict or challenge into moments of discovery and connection. Just as the STOP tool can help you navigate conflict and challenges within yourself, this new tool is a similarly potent practice for navigating those moments when we’re at odds with others. It’s called LOVE, and I have found it to be a game-changer in my relationships.
How to Listen with LOVE
LOVE is a simple, four-step process for communicating more effectively and revving up love, intention, and presence in any moment of conflict or misunderstanding so that both parties feel seen, heard, and respected.
L is for LISTEN
The best communication doesn’t start with talking; it starts with listening. Listening with LOVE requires us to open our minds and hearts so we can be fully present for one another.
Begin by minimizing distractions as best you can. I know I appreciate it when my husband closes his laptop when I ask to speak with him. It sounds simple, but it’s a clear indication to us both that he’s ready and present to listen.
Next, empty yourself of any thoughts, judgments, expectations, and preconceived ideas so that you can be fully open to receive what the other needs to share.
Third, demonstrate that you’re listening by physically leaning in toward the other person or nodding on occasion. Invite these gestures to come naturally and with sincerity.
O is for OBSERVE
While words clearly remain essential to effective communication, it’s important to notice what the other is communicating nonverbally, as well. There’s much new research indicating that the ways we communicate nonverbally are far more expressive than the words we speak.
Expand your awareness of what’s being communicated by observing what emotions are coming through. Resist temptations to judge, and simply notice gestures, body language, and vocal tone.
This more subtle layer of communication helps enrich your understanding of what’s being shared and why.
Only when the other person has come to a pause is it time to move onto the next step.
V is for VERIFY
While the first two steps of this process are about receiving what the other has to share, verification allows for some back and forth dialogue to ensure that you’re correct in your perception of what was just communicated.
We all process the world and others through our own personal lens, which is colored by our experiences, biases, and preferences. By using the Verify step, you can make sure you’re interpreting what’s being shared in the way it was meant to be understood.
And this is where the magic starts to shine through. When you listen more thoughtfully, you speak more thoughtfully. And most often, that same level of regard is mirrored back to you.
Start by paraphrasing what you think you heard: “What I hear you saying is ____. Am I understanding you correctly?” By sharing what you received, you invite the other to expand your understanding through more detail and clarity.
E is for ELEVATE
Just as you’re encouraged to leave nature better than you found it when you go for a picnic, you want to elevate the exchange by leaving in a better place than when you started.
Last year, mindfulness expert Kristin Fritz shared her STOP tool with us, showing us how walking yourself through four simple steps can help you navigate your conflicts and challenges internally.
Today, she’s back to teach us about LOVE, her tool to help us bring that same level of mindfulness to our interactions with others—and how doing so can transform our relationships.
Have you ever noticed how it’s easy to act loving toward someone when you feel loving—but not so easy when you (or the other person) just isn’t feeling the love? Whether you’re talking with your spouse, kids, colleagues, or someone you just met, sometimes you’re more aware of disconnection than connection.
As social beings, we don’t just enjoy connection—we need it. According to Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, author of BodyWise, the impact of robust social connection is far more powerful than any other health behavior, including nutrition and not smoking.
The good news: You can transform those moments of conflict or challenge into moments of discovery and connection. Just as the STOP tool can help you navigate conflict and challenges within yourself, this new tool is a similarly potent practice for navigating those moments when we’re at odds with others. It’s called LOVE, and I have found it to be a game-changer in my relationships.
How to Listen with LOVE
LOVE is a simple, four-step process for communicating more effectively and revving up love, intention, and presence in any moment of conflict or misunderstanding so that both parties feel seen, heard, and respected.
L is for LISTEN
The best communication doesn’t start with talking; it starts with listening. Listening with LOVE requires us to open our minds and hearts so we can be fully present for one another.
Begin by minimizing distractions as best you can. I know I appreciate it when my husband closes his laptop when I ask to speak with him. It sounds simple, but it’s a clear indication to us both that he’s ready and present to listen.
Next, empty yourself of any thoughts, judgments, expectations, and preconceived ideas so that you can be fully open to receive what the other needs to share.
Third, demonstrate that you’re listening by physically leaning in toward the other person or nodding on occasion. Invite these gestures to come naturally and with sincerity.
O is for OBSERVE
While words clearly remain essential to effective communication, it’s important to notice what the other is communicating nonverbally, as well. There’s much new research indicating that the ways we communicate nonverbally are far more expressive than the words we speak.
Expand your awareness of what’s being communicated by observing what emotions are coming through. Resist temptations to judge, and simply notice gestures, body language, and vocal tone.
This more subtle layer of communication helps enrich your understanding of what’s being shared and why.
Only when the other person has come to a pause is it time to move onto the next step.
V is for VERIFY
While the first two steps of this process are about receiving what the other has to share, verification allows for some back and forth dialogue to ensure that you’re correct in your perception of what was just communicated.
We all process the world and others through our own personal lens, which is colored by our experiences, biases, and preferences. By using the Verify step, you can make sure you’re interpreting what’s being shared in the way it was meant to be understood.
And this is where the magic starts to shine through. When you listen more thoughtfully, you speak more thoughtfully. And most often, that same level of regard is mirrored back to you.
Start by paraphrasing what you think you heard: “What I hear you saying is ____. Am I understanding you correctly?” By sharing what you received, you invite the other to expand your understanding through more detail and clarity.
E is for ELEVATE
Just as you’re encouraged to leave nature better than you found it when you go for a picnic, you want to elevate the exchange by leaving in a better place than when you started.
