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Here’s How To Avoid the Shame Spiral
In my 20+ years in the fitness industry, I’ve seen what I refer to as the “shame spiral” consume so many of my clients.
Here’s how it goes: Someone misses a couple of workouts or, in a moment of weakness, polishes off the pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. Feeling like a failure, they let their one slip lead to another, which leads to another, and suddenly they’re free-falling down the shame spiral.
Most people think the solution is simply stronger willpower. Don’t allow the misstep, and you won’t have to deal with the aftermath, right? Wrong. The problem is not the slip. Everybody slips. The problem is letting it define you. The single most important thing you can do to lead a healthy life is to learn to forgive a mistake rather than letting it derail you.
So, how can you avoid going down the dreaded shame spiral? Adopt a practice I refer to as the three A’s.:
1. Acknowledge your behavior.
Simply observe what you are doing: “I’m standing alone in my kitchen eating ice cream directly from the carton even though I swore it off just hours ago.”
2. Accept your actions.
Instead of beating yourself up, be compassionate with yourself: “Of course I’m eating ice cream. It’s delicious! I’ve had a long day, and I am craving a sweet reward.”
3. Ask yourself one simple question.
Ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” This exercise isn’t necessarily going to change your behavior in the moment, but it will help you stop feeling shameful about it. It’s an exercise in being self-aware, and it goes back to one of b3’s most important mottos: You are your own best teacher.
The more you practice the three A’s, the more you’ll start running through them automatically. And even if you run through the three A’s and decide to stick with the ice cream, it’s okay. You have not failed.
I know that sounds odd coming from an exercise and wellness expert. But life is full of moments that lead to feelings of guilt and shame (“I ate too much.” “I shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine.” “I can’t believe I missed my workout today”). My purpose isn’t to add to that guilt and shame; it’s to help you move beyond it.
If you create rigid rules for yourself about exercise and eating, you’ll not only set yourself up for failure, you’ll also start to associate healthy living with negative feelings—and that’s a guaranteed way to fall off the healthy wagon for good. Instead of dwelling on one slip, I encourage you to look at the sum total of your movement and eating. Skipping a one-hour workout doesn’t mean you can’t find movement in short bursts throughout the day. Likewise, a day of indulging doesn’t mean you can’t pack your plate with greens the next day. When you’re realistic and compassionate toward yourself, you’ll be able to miss that workout and eat those cookies, and then get right back to your healthy life.
In my 20+ years in the fitness industry, I’ve seen what I refer to as the “shame spiral” consume so many of my clients.
Here’s how it goes: Someone misses a couple of workouts or, in a moment of weakness, polishes off the pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. Feeling like a failure, they let their one slip lead to another, which leads to another, and suddenly they’re free-falling down the shame spiral.
Most people think the solution is simply stronger willpower. Don’t allow the misstep, and you won’t have to deal with the aftermath, right? Wrong. The problem is not the slip. Everybody slips. The problem is letting it define you. The single most important thing you can do to lead a healthy life is to learn to forgive a mistake rather than letting it derail you.
So, how can you avoid going down the dreaded shame spiral? Adopt a practice I refer to as the three A’s.:
1. Acknowledge your behavior.
Simply observe what you are doing: “I’m standing alone in my kitchen eating ice cream directly from the carton even though I swore it off just hours ago.”
2. Accept your actions.
Instead of beating yourself up, be compassionate with yourself: “Of course I’m eating ice cream. It’s delicious! I’ve had a long day, and I am craving a sweet reward.”
3. Ask yourself one simple question.
Ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” This exercise isn’t necessarily going to change your behavior in the moment, but it will help you stop feeling shameful about it. It’s an exercise in being self-aware, and it goes back to one of b3’s most important mottos: You are your own best teacher.
The more you practice the three A’s, the more you’ll start running through them automatically. And even if you run through the three A’s and decide to stick with the ice cream, it’s okay. You have not failed.
I know that sounds odd coming from an exercise and wellness expert. But life is full of moments that lead to feelings of guilt and shame (“I ate too much.” “I shouldn’t have had that last glass of wine.” “I can’t believe I missed my workout today”). My purpose isn’t to add to that guilt and shame; it’s to help you move beyond it.
If you create rigid rules for yourself about exercise and eating, you’ll not only set yourself up for failure, you’ll also start to associate healthy living with negative feelings—and that’s a guaranteed way to fall off the healthy wagon for good. Instead of dwelling on one slip, I encourage you to look at the sum total of your movement and eating. Skipping a one-hour workout doesn’t mean you can’t find movement in short bursts throughout the day. Likewise, a day of indulging doesn’t mean you can’t pack your plate with greens the next day. When you’re realistic and compassionate toward yourself, you’ll be able to miss that workout and eat those cookies, and then get right back to your healthy life.
