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What Journaling Taught One Woman About Body Image and Herself
Sarah Grace McCandless is a dear friend, successful author and barre3 client. Today, she’s opening up her journal and sharing a few entries to demonstrate how journaling can change the way you think about yourself on paper and in person. Her transformation from a shy, insecure girl with body issues to a strong, confident woman is so inspiring. Read on for her story.
Like many people, I’ve kept journals on and off throughout my life, starting when I was around eight years old and still called them diaries. My first was a square, white hardcover with Hello Kitty on the front and light pink pages inside. This was followed by the official Judy Blume diary, with quotes from her books scattered throughout the margins. Then I moved on to a mix of actual notebooks and cloth-covered, perfect bound books. I loved (and still love) paper, and as such, had the habit of buying new journals, only to use one-fourth to one-half of the pages before moving on to the next one. I’ve kept the majority of my original journals, spanning from those early years, throughout my teens, college, and adulthood.
Even though most of my journals are only partially full, what strikes me is how I managed to use those limited amount of pages to completely shame myself: how I looked, or more specifically, what I weighed (or didn’t weigh).
Exhibit A: Freshman year of high school, shortly after the Sadie Hawkins dance, which is like Homecoming, except the girl asks the guy.
3/6/89
He didn’t call. I didn’t expect him to. I feel like a failure. I realize now Pat was being kind of a jerk, but I must have done something wrong. I feel so low, so frustrated, I’ve failed one guy after another. I feel like I fail everyone.
Basically I feel terrible. Ugly – fat – unimportant – unloved – unwanted. Why do I continuously fail to please everyone? Well, I’ll just have to try harder.
Pat must’ve been serious when he said I was fat. Otherwise he wouldn’t have said it so many times. Oh great – now I’m crying again. That hurt so much when he said that!
Maybe if I just eat a small bowl of cereal for breakfast, a couple sips of milk for lunch, and a really small portion at dinner I can lose some weight. Then maybe he’ll like me. He was probably ashamed to be seen with me, I’m so fat. And I looked especially gross on Saturday. That’s it – that’s got to be it.
Exhibit B: One year after graduating college from Michigan State University, now living and working in Portland, Oregon.
7/27/97
My mother called me today to tell me she had found an old dress of mine, except she did not know how old it really was. I did, though, as soon as she described it. Ann Taylor, black with hot pink around the middle and on the cuff, looks like a two-piece suit, but really just one dress. “I mailed it to you,” she said, and I wondered how she could possibly think my body was the same from five years ago. I long for that body, but remember how I hated it then, too.
And on, and on, and on. Was I really as heavy as I portrayed myself to be? Yes, at times. No, at others, but even when I was fit and healthy, I always managed to find something to fixate on and hate about my body. I wish I could say that I grew out of this practice shortly after this entry, but my self-loathing continued to weave its way in and out of my journals for another decade, and then some.
A huge factor that changed the course of this conversation was deciding to create a journal in conjunction with a barre3 challenge I had committed to doing in January of this year. Yes, I recorded my measurements at the onset of the challenge to create a baseline, but throughout the month, I focused my journal entries on so much more. I tracked how I felt, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wrote about the recipes I made, the postures I practiced, the conversations I had with the barre3 staff and other challenge participants, and the inspiration I felt as a result.
Exhibit C: Week three of my barre3 challenge.
1/19/2015
I was pretty floored last night when listening to Sadie’s week 3 podcast and she mentioned me by name, and the blog post I did for barre3. Like having a famous person name check you, but not just a celebrity – someone you truly admire beyond words. Almost made me cry. Made me feel like I was truly a part of something, and something I deeply cherish. And talk about motivation to stay on my chosen path.
Exhibit D: Week four of my barre3 challenge.
1/24/2015
I have grown beyond confident that I will successfully complete this challenge. It’s also pretty motivating to be so embraced by barre3 as part of their tribe. I’m realizing – and perhaps even accepting – the fact that barre3 – this challenge and beyond – is not about get-thin-quick schemes. My body is changing, but in a way that is different from anything I’ve experienced or seen before. I am trying to adjust my definition of and expectations for what success looks like.
My words didn’t fixate on weight loss or gain, clothing size, or extreme, deprivation diets. Instead, they were infused with thoughts and observations related to the three pillars that make up the barre3 ecosystem: exercise, nourishment, and perhaps most importantly of all, connection.
This proved to be the first time I had ever wrote about my body in a positive and encouraging way, so I’ve kept this journal going since January. It’s changing the way I think about myself, both on paper and in person. I’m grateful, though, that I still have those earlier body shaming journals on hand, too. They are reminders of a former self, someone who spent way too much time loathing and judging, instead of giving, learning, and living.
When I read back on my January barre3 challenge experience, I discover a person who has finally started to realize life isn’t about numbers on a tape measure or scale. I discover a person who has always been much stronger than she thinks. And I can’t wait to see what else I am about to discover about myself as I continue to journal throughout this new challenge this month.
Sarah Grace McCandless is a dear friend, successful author and barre3 client. Today, she’s opening up her journal and sharing a few entries to demonstrate how journaling can change the way you think about yourself on paper and in person. Her transformation from a shy, insecure girl with body issues to a strong, confident woman is so inspiring. Read on for her story.
Like many people, I’ve kept journals on and off throughout my life, starting when I was around eight years old and still called them diaries. My first was a square, white hardcover with Hello Kitty on the front and light pink pages inside. This was followed by the official Judy Blume diary, with quotes from her books scattered throughout the margins. Then I moved on to a mix of actual notebooks and cloth-covered, perfect bound books. I loved (and still love) paper, and as such, had the habit of buying new journals, only to use one-fourth to one-half of the pages before moving on to the next one. I’ve kept the majority of my original journals, spanning from those early years, throughout my teens, college, and adulthood.
Even though most of my journals are only partially full, what strikes me is how I managed to use those limited amount of pages to completely shame myself: how I looked, or more specifically, what I weighed (or didn’t weigh).
Exhibit A: Freshman year of high school, shortly after the Sadie Hawkins dance, which is like Homecoming, except the girl asks the guy.
3/6/89
He didn’t call. I didn’t expect him to. I feel like a failure. I realize now Pat was being kind of a jerk, but I must have done something wrong. I feel so low, so frustrated, I’ve failed one guy after another. I feel like I fail everyone.
Basically I feel terrible. Ugly – fat – unimportant – unloved – unwanted. Why do I continuously fail to please everyone? Well, I’ll just have to try harder.
Pat must’ve been serious when he said I was fat. Otherwise he wouldn’t have said it so many times. Oh great – now I’m crying again. That hurt so much when he said that!
Maybe if I just eat a small bowl of cereal for breakfast, a couple sips of milk for lunch, and a really small portion at dinner I can lose some weight. Then maybe he’ll like me. He was probably ashamed to be seen with me, I’m so fat. And I looked especially gross on Saturday. That’s it – that’s got to be it.
Exhibit B: One year after graduating college from Michigan State University, now living and working in Portland, Oregon.
7/27/97
My mother called me today to tell me she had found an old dress of mine, except she did not know how old it really was. I did, though, as soon as she described it. Ann Taylor, black with hot pink around the middle and on the cuff, looks like a two-piece suit, but really just one dress. “I mailed it to you,” she said, and I wondered how she could possibly think my body was the same from five years ago. I long for that body, but remember how I hated it then, too.
And on, and on, and on. Was I really as heavy as I portrayed myself to be? Yes, at times. No, at others, but even when I was fit and healthy, I always managed to find something to fixate on and hate about my body. I wish I could say that I grew out of this practice shortly after this entry, but my self-loathing continued to weave its way in and out of my journals for another decade, and then some.
A huge factor that changed the course of this conversation was deciding to create a journal in conjunction with a barre3 challenge I had committed to doing in January of this year. Yes, I recorded my measurements at the onset of the challenge to create a baseline, but throughout the month, I focused my journal entries on so much more. I tracked how I felt, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I wrote about the recipes I made, the postures I practiced, the conversations I had with the barre3 staff and other challenge participants, and the inspiration I felt as a result.
Exhibit C: Week three of my barre3 challenge.
1/19/2015
I was pretty floored last night when listening to Sadie’s week 3 podcast and she mentioned me by name, and the blog post I did for barre3. Like having a famous person name check you, but not just a celebrity – someone you truly admire beyond words. Almost made me cry. Made me feel like I was truly a part of something, and something I deeply cherish. And talk about motivation to stay on my chosen path.
Exhibit D: Week four of my barre3 challenge.
1/24/2015
I have grown beyond confident that I will successfully complete this challenge. It’s also pretty motivating to be so embraced by barre3 as part of their tribe. I’m realizing – and perhaps even accepting – the fact that barre3 – this challenge and beyond – is not about get-thin-quick schemes. My body is changing, but in a way that is different from anything I’ve experienced or seen before. I am trying to adjust my definition of and expectations for what success looks like.
My words didn’t fixate on weight loss or gain, clothing size, or extreme, deprivation diets. Instead, they were infused with thoughts and observations related to the three pillars that make up the barre3 ecosystem: exercise, nourishment, and perhaps most importantly of all, connection.
This proved to be the first time I had ever wrote about my body in a positive and encouraging way, so I’ve kept this journal going since January. It’s changing the way I think about myself, both on paper and in person. I’m grateful, though, that I still have those earlier body shaming journals on hand, too. They are reminders of a former self, someone who spent way too much time loathing and judging, instead of giving, learning, and living.
When I read back on my January barre3 challenge experience, I discover a person who has finally started to realize life isn’t about numbers on a tape measure or scale. I discover a person who has always been much stronger than she thinks. And I can’t wait to see what else I am about to discover about myself as I continue to journal throughout this new challenge this month.
